Mind Your Heart
Welcome to "Mind Your Heart," this cozy corner of the internet where Trina Deboree and Emily Reneé —your real-life Lorelei and Rory Gilmore duo—come together each week to chat about everything from mental health to the daily nuances of life. In each episode, we peel back the layers of topics like anxiety, depression, PTSD, and eating disorders with warmth, understanding, and a touch of humor (because otherwise, this just sounds depressing)!
Trina, an educator turned entrepreneur and mental health advocate, joins forces with her daughter Emily, a mental health coach and anorexia survivor, to share their journeys and insights in a way that feels like a heart-to-heart with old friends. The goal? To spark conversations that truly matter and to create a space where laughter meets healing.
Let's navigate the ups and downs of mental health together, making each day brighter and each challenge a little lighter. Grab your emotional support water bottle, put in your headphones, and join us while we mind our hearts for chats that comfort and inspire.
Mind Your Heart
AITA: "My Sister In-Law Wants to Take my Dead Mother's Wedding Dress?!"
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What would you do if you weren't married yet if your soon-to-be sister-in-law asked to wear your dead mother's inherited ring? This week on Mind Your Heart, we introduce our new segment, "Am I the Asshole?" by diving into Reddit stories where a woman faces this exact dilemma and other wild scenarios. We weigh the emotional significance of family heirlooms versus the desire to honor family requests. Trina shares a personal story about a mishandled family ring and laughing way too hard.
Do YOU think these Reddit users are the assholes? Let us know!
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Hey, welcome to Mind your Heart Podcast, your favorite corner of the internet where we chat about all things mental health.
Speaker 2:I'm Emily and I'm Trina. Together, we're like your real-life Lorelai and Rory Gilmore. Each week, we'll bring you real conversations about the world of mental health and we will peel back layers on topics like anxiety, depression and much more.
Speaker 1:We're here to chat with you about the tough stuff, the everyday stuff and everything in between. So grab your emotional support water bottle I know we have ours. Find your comfiest chair or keep your eyes on the road and let's get into it. Are you ready, mom?
Speaker 2:Absolutely. Join us as we mind our hearts and hopefully make minding yours a little easier.
Speaker 1:Welcome back. Welcome All right. So it was your turn to have some technical difficulties. Yes, it was my turn. I had some.
Speaker 2:I don't know man this voice memo. I don't know man this voice memo thing, bro, bro, yeah, it's really upsetting.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, it's very annoying.
Speaker 2:I know I last time I cried I was like upset, because you get through an episode and you're like man, that was good yeah, and you're like it was funny. And then there, yeah, and then I go back and it's only recorded five minutes.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's very annoying, but we're back and now we're both gonna be obsessively checking our phone to make sure we're recording um. But oh, welcome to mind your heart. I'm emily and I'm trina. Um, today we're going to do something a little different, a little fun um a segment called am I the asshole. So we'll be reading um some different scenarios from people on reddit and determining whether they are an asshole or not.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so offering some feedback and insight. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but they didn't ask for unsolicited advice.
Speaker 1:Actually, they did ask you're right, because they're putting it on this platform.
Speaker 2:So solicited advice, all right, but yeah, okay, I think we should read the title, make a decision and then hear the rest. Okay, okay.
Speaker 1:Okay, you want me to go first, or do you want to read yours first? You can go first.
Speaker 2:Okay, actually, I want to go first because I really want to see what you think about this. Okay, okay. So here's the title. Am I the asshole for refusing to let my brother's fiancé wear my late mother's wedding dress?
Speaker 1:My brother's fiancé? Ooh, I don't know. So I died and Jackson's getting married to a person named Cindy and Cindy wants to wear my wedding dress, I'd be like, okay, I would not be bothered. But also I'm like, why would you want to wear the wedding dress of somebody who, like, got divorced to?
Speaker 2:me I'm like, okay, well, let's pretend I didn't get divorced okay, uh, is this person a female? Um, do we know that? Does it? It say like MRF anywhere. She's a female.
Speaker 1:Okay, okay, ooh, okay, then no, I don't think that if she, like, was not married, if this person's not married and she plans on wearing this dress, then no, I don't think she's the asshole, because she has the right to her mom's dress, I agree. But if this person is already married or does not plan on wearing this dress and just doesn't want somebody else to wear it, then I think you're acting like a kindergartner who wants a toy that they didn't want before somebody else wanted it.
Speaker 2:Well, I don't know if we have to go that extreme like they just might want to. It's like their moms, they just feel a little so they don't want somebody else to honor the.
Speaker 1:Okay, you're right like that seems silly to me.
Speaker 2:Okay, so I'm gonna read this, but I want to give you a scenario before you make that judgment.
Speaker 2:So okay, there's a ring, a very pretty ring over over a carrot, like a larger pretty diamond ring. That was in our family and it went from my like grandmother at least my grandmother. It might have even been her mother's, okay, I'm pretty sure it was her mother's and then it went to my grandmother and then my grandmother to nanny and then it was supposed to go to me and, um, nanny didn't think to give it to me for my engagement ring. Thanks a lot, mom and um. Yeah, but Dex asked for it when he was getting proposed or was proposing to Amelia, and my grandmother always said you never give it to the male because they take it out of the family. You only give it to the female because they keep it in the family.
Speaker 2:This is a a, a, a diamond ring, not like a different kind of like dress. This is a diamond ring that has more value, probably, than a dress. And so nanny gave it to dex and then, years down the line, they freaking traded it in and got something else. So the ring is gone. Yeah, so that was supposed to be mine, which would have been yours, so, yeah, so how do you feel about that?
Speaker 1:well, I am like why I don't feel like that's the same as?
Speaker 2:it's not the same, but I just curious I.
Speaker 1:I think that's ridiculous. I think nanny should have been like no, it's going to trina yeah, that's what she should have said yeah so like to like to me. I'm like this is a mistake on Annie's end.
Speaker 2:Oh for sure, but like you're in the wrong here, I think she's in the wrong yeah.
Speaker 2:I thought that at the time and also like, why would Dex even ask? So, yeah, anyway, okay. So here's the story. I this is a 32-year-old female, okay Lost my mom four years ago. It was devastating, and I inherited a lot of her things, including her wedding dress. My mom and I were incredibly close and she always talked about how much she wanted me to wear her dress when I got married. I'm not married yet, okay, but I've been saving the dress for my special day.
Speaker 2:My brother, who's 29 and a male, is getting married next year and his fiance is 28 and a female, recently asked if she could wear my mom's wedding dress. No, no, she said it would mean a lot to her because she never got to meet my mom and she wants to feel connected to her on the big day. I understand that it's a sweet gesture, but I don't feel comfortable with her wearing something that's so sentimental to me, especially since my mom always wanted me to wear it. Yeah, when I told her I wasn't okay with it, she got upset and said I was being selfish. Now my brother is upset with me too, saying it's just a dress If it's just a dress, then why do you need to wear it so?
Speaker 2:bad that I am ruining their wedding over something that's not a big deal. I offered to help him find a similar dress or even incorporate a piece of my mother's dress into her own gown, but she refused. Our family is now divided, with some saying I'm in the right and others saying I should let it go for the sake of family harmony no, that's such a load of crap.
Speaker 1:I hate that. Yeah, like that's like saying sacrifice your boundaries just so that everybody else can be happy like yeah, no, no, fuck that I don't think she's the the asshole I don't either she has every right to want to hold that as a something sentimental to her that she wants, especially because she's not married.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and the mom wanted her to wear it and not going to give it to the sister-in-law, she hasn't even met the mom yeah, I think that's absolutely ridiculous, and that she and that he they're they're being ridiculous and they should go find their own dress, and that this is a dress for her and she also offered to give a piece of the dress to incorporate.
Speaker 1:I'm like that's more than generous to me, I'm like I wouldn't even do that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, me either. I wouldn't cut a piece of the dress off. I'd be like too damn bad. Go find your own dress. Yeah, I agree.
Speaker 1:Or ask your own mom. I think that's so. Yeah, how do you tell what people said? So if you scroll down you can see, like the comments. So how do you know what won or didn't win? So if something did win, at the top it'll have like the little tag that says like not the asshole, or Is the asshole Okay? It doesn't say Okay. So then people haven't, it's too new, okay. So if you go down to the comments you can start seeing what people Okay, so what's NTA mean? Oh, not the asshole.
Speaker 2:If it were just a dress, like your brother says, your future sister-in-law wouldn't make such a big deal out of your refusal. This is your dress to wear someday or not, but it is your special connection, not hers, correct? Um, I agree.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I agree too I can't imagine somebody thinking that this person is the asshole yeah, no, I.
Speaker 2:I well, when the brother, the brother, the brother is just siding with his yeah the brother, that's how brothers are like they they, they choose the side of the wife. That's just how they are.
Speaker 1:He also like doesn't understand, like no, he doesn't. It's not the same.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's not the same situation for him. So, okay, we believe that you are not the asshole.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I agree, all right yeah, I I like almost like predicted what that was gonna be like when I when I was like, is she married?
Speaker 2:or not married.
Speaker 1:Like that makes a difference. Okay, hang on, let me sit up just a little bit. Okay, um, am I the asshole for not caring about my mom's dad dying? Okay, so about your grandpa dying? Okay.
Speaker 2:I say no. Yeah, I'm going to say no Because we don't know the circumstances, yeah, like when my dad died you'd never even met him yeah so if you didn't care, I wouldn't be. I actually expected you guys not to care. You cared more than I thought you would.
Speaker 1:Yeah, um, so I mean I cared about the people that were affected. Like I was not like deeply saddened to lose someone I'd never met before in my life, and that had been not great to you growing up.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:But I was. I cared about the fact that it had effects on people I did know and love, yeah, but I wasn't like that's nice, you know what I mean, yeah, so yeah, I don't think this person's an asshole, but All right?
Speaker 2:I guess that depends.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yesterday my mom tells me that she's going out of town this weekend to visit her dad. So yeah, I don't think this person's an asshole, but I guess that depends. Yesterday, my mom tells me that she's going out of town this weekend to visit her dad because he's in the hospital again and he isn't likely to make it this time. She makes sure to say I know you don't like him, but he's my dad and this might be my last chance to see him. I said okay, and that was that. I understand why she's going, I just don't care. Okay. Important background info. I have only met the man once. I'm 29.
Speaker 1:My grandmother moved my mom out of their home state of west virginia when she was 12 or 13 years old. Even before before they moved, my mom's dad was hardly in the picture and he became non-existent after they moved away. He's a raging alcoholic and has been for decades. My mom has multiple half siblings on her dad's side that also live in West Virginia. I've never met them, but only one out of the five or six will have anything to do with him. They don't want anything to do with him. Basically, my mom got in touch with him maybe six to seven years ago and decided she wanted him in her life again. He came to visit once. It was whatever Time passes and he Facebook messages my sister and I a bunch of random racist shit. Oh geez, we're mixed race in parentheses. Okay, we checked him real quick and blocked him. We told our mom and she just didn't care, said he was probably drunk. Oh geez. Last thing I'll note is that my mom tends to take her dad, take after her dad when it comes to alcohol abuse, which is a big factor in me not feeling the desire to console her about his declining health.
Speaker 1:Anyway, while she's gone, she wants me to take care of her fish and feed them. I come over after work and she's in a full meltdown mode. She's running around trying to quickly do a water change for her fish. This is something that usually takes quite a while to do, but she had to go to the nail salon earlier because, god forbid, her nails aren't done. When going down home to see her family, she's doing this while cursing and screaming about needing to leave so she can get on the road. Then she starts yelling at me for not helping her get it done quicker, telling me it's fucked up that I don't care about her dad dying and that I'm mean and hateful person. And how did I end up like this? Rolling eyes emoji in parentheses she ends up spilling an entire bucket of water on the floor and that sends her over the edge.
Speaker 1:I just sat there, didn't move an inch to help. She started yelling floor and that sends her over the edge. I just sat there, didn't move an inch to help. She started yelling again and that's when I walked out. A part of me does feel bad for being so cold about the situation, like I should try harder to at least pretend that I care and feel bad about him being in the hospital, but I just don't. She tells me all the time that I'm hateful and mean. It really bothers me when she says that, but I don't know, maybe I am. Am I the asshole?
Speaker 1:no, no definitely not the ass I don't think she's the asshole.
Speaker 2:I think she could show some compassion yeah for her mom, who was clearly having a hard time, yeah, um, and who feels like she has to be some kind of perfect when she sees her dad I agree so I think that's where the that was coming from.
Speaker 2:But but I don't think the mom, I don't think she has to tolerate her mom calling her names, yeah, and telling her that she's awful and hateful. How do you turn out like this and those kind of that's not acceptable from the mom? Yeah, and she doesn't have to be upset Because she doesn't believe.
Speaker 1:Her feelings are her feelings. She doesn't believe you know, doesn't? Her feelings are her feelings. Yeah, Like it doesn't matter whether the mom likes them or not. Yeah, that's what they are. They are.
Speaker 2:Yeah, exactly, and the and also the.
Speaker 1:the father has given no reason for her to feel any differently, but and this grandfather has reached out to them and blatantly spewed hate yeah At them for their race, yeah and like spewed hate, yeah, at them for their race, yeah.
Speaker 1:And like the mom didn't even defend the children. No, she's defending his poor actions with a poor action that he does constantly. Yeah, but she also does yeah, yeah. So I'm like, no, this person is not the asshole. But I'm also like I it to me. I'm like this depends on what you want out of these relationships. Like how close are you with the mom? Like what does that look like? Because if you really care about, like conserving the relationship you have with your mom, then I would say, like just be there and listen.
Speaker 1:Like you don't have to tell her I care or don't care. She's not asking you for that opinion. She's asking you to be there and just sit with her while she's sad yeah whether that is you think that's rational or not. That's how she feels. Yeah, so, like she's also allowed to have those feelings and if, like, if you want to work on that relationship, then I feel like that would be the thing that the mom is like basically asking for. Yeah, because I don't really even think that.
Speaker 2:I think this mom is probably like, doesn't even know that what she wants is just for somebody to listen, yeah, yeah because she's she's frantic, yeah and so, and she's not thinking clearly and she in grief looks not good on people sometimes well, this is like a severed relationship.
Speaker 1:Yeah, for sure.
Speaker 2:That she's trying to build up, for whatever reason herself.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I feel like this mom just needs somebody to just sit with her and like, not give their opinion.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Because she doesn't want the opinion on all the things that are messed up here.
Speaker 2:No, yeah, she just wants the support. Yeah, she wants to feel supported and heard.
Speaker 1:And she's hurting, yeah, so yeah, but I also don't think this person is an asshole for not caring about their racist drunk grandfather I?
Speaker 2:I don't think so either. I mean, you know what you make your own bed. So if he, that's his behavior, yeah I'm like sucks brother. Yeah, I don't yeah, well, when you have not lived your life very well, some people are not going to miss you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, unfortunately, and this person doesn't even know him.
Speaker 2:No, no, she doesn't even know him, so I think that she is not the asshole.
Speaker 1:Yeah, all right this person is voted, not the asshole a lot of people are like no and then somebody said and a drunk, volatile, probably racist mother in the bargain original person is not the asshole, no, I don't think so either.
Speaker 2:Yeah, all right, ready. Yep, this, this will be our last one. Yep, all right. So, um, am I the asshole if I refuse to stay in my mother-in-law's house until she gets the toilet fixed? If, what? If she? If this person refuses to stay in their mother-in-law's house till she gets the toilet fixed. I think until the mother-in-law gets her toilet fixed. That's the way I'm reading it. It's not the best grammar, but so like it. That's like if I refuse to come to your, to my mother-in-law's house until they get the yeah until they get the toilet fixed.
Speaker 2:I'm gonna double check, but I'm pretty sure um, oh yeah okay is that what the situation?
Speaker 2:no, I don't know, but like, let's just go with that title and you tell me what. Okay, well, I'm like if you don't want to be at your mother-in-law's house because their toilet is broken and it's the only toilet, like, maybe it is, maybe it isn't, but it's going to impact you in some way because obviously it's going to impact them, or they wouldn't care that the toilet was fixed, right I guess, but I'm like if it wasn't the only toilet, then why does that matter?
Speaker 2:let's say this I refuse to stay at jadak's house because the bathroom, the guest bathroom toilet, wasn't working and I didn't want to go into his bedroom and go to the bathroom every time I needed to go to the bathroom. If I was gonna stay there, like if I was gonna stay there for a long period of time, or even sleep there, yeah, I would definitely like if I had to sleep there. I I have to pee multiple times in the middle of the night, yeah, so I personally, because of that, do not think this person is an asshole. Okay, what? What do you think?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean like I wouldn't want to. I don't know because I'm like I wouldn't. If we were staying at Jake's mom's and both of the guest bathrooms did not work and the only one that worked was hers and I had to pee in the middle of the night and we were staying there. For whatever reason, like I, would not choose to stay there.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Like I would just choose to stay somewhere else. Yeah, and I don't think that would be rude of me.
Speaker 2:But okay so we don't think they're the asshole.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I don't think so.
Speaker 2:All right, so this you're going to really not think they're the asshole. I think after this, okay.
Speaker 1:All right.
Speaker 2:So I've been undergoing tests for two years now for suspected Crohn's disease. Yeah, in that time my quality of life has suffered due to my bowels, which Crohn's disease is a brutal disease where you have constantly have to like poop. Yeah, like right, like sometimes uncontrollably, yeah Like. I've canceled trips days out, missed work at short notice when I've had flare ups. It's really, really, really upsetting. So back on topic me, my wife and so this is a man me, my wife and kids stayed at my mother-in-law's house start of the year and I had a flare-up. However, her toilet would not flush, so I had to use a oh so I'd use a bucket of water to flush it down. I know we stayed in april again.
Speaker 1:it was not fixed oh my god, yeah, what the heck.
Speaker 2:So if I said if she's, if she gets a plumber, get them to invoice me and I'll pay. It's not been arranged. I said I'll wire money in advance if it's plumber that wants cash again not done. Lastly, I said I'll research trustworthy plumbers on our town, on her town, town in her town, he meant to say, and I'll arrange and repay and pay for repair. Was told no need. I've told my wife I won't stay till it's fixed and we'll just get a hotel next time.
Speaker 2:Yeah, wife said I'm being dramatic and she just put up with it for the, for the few days we stay. Am I the asshole?
Speaker 1:Absolutely not. Your wife is being ridiculous.
Speaker 2:She's being completely what the hell, why are you? You basically said you do the job for her. Yeah, you would do the job for her. You would have, you would pay for it, would pay in advance. You, he's done all the things that you can do. She clearly doesn't understand what it feels like to have that situation going on. Yeah and um, and I personally think that's inconsiderate of the wife. Yeah, and also, maybe you don't want to go on a trip when you are dealing with that. No, kidding, the fact that you're even going at all is nice enough. Yeah, absolutely not staying in someone's house that won't get their bathroom fixed.
Speaker 1:Yeah, why? I'm like why.
Speaker 2:Yeah, would you just like it to be broken.
Speaker 2:I feel angry by this for some reason yeah, well, because it's like blatantly like disrespecting somebody's, like disability yeah, I agree, and I still don't see where people are like, where there's a where other people think whatever, um, not the asshole. Have you ever noticed when reading all the am I the asshole stories, how often a parent behaves badly and siblings defend them, or vice versa? You're being more than responsible. It's a shame your partner is not supporting you. Most toilets are very easy to fix, as the parts are very simple. You can lift the lid and take a photo, look on the YouTube how to fix it and arrive at the house with a new part. If she complains after you have fixed it yourself, then she is the asshole. And there is more going on under the surface here. Or slip a plumber in the back door when she's out.
Speaker 1:Literally. I don't understand the point of declining the plumber.
Speaker 2:You don't want your toilet to be fixed and this guy should not have to pour a bucket of water every time he has an upset stomach.
Speaker 1:Like that is ridiculous.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's absolutely ridiculous.
Speaker 1:So no, he is definitely not the asshole I agree, and I'm like he is definitely not the asshole. I agree, and I'm like pissed off at the mother-in-law and the wife.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I agree, oh, okay, so that wasn't like as hilarious as the first time we recorded it, but, um, yeah, but I think I think it was still fun.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think it was good, yeah, all right well, if you liked this, let us know. Yeah, let us know if you like this and we'll definitely do more, because I had a good time doing this.
Speaker 2:Yeah, me too. I think it's fun.
Speaker 1:I do too to like for other people to ask us to judge them, yeah, and to do it so, um, if you enjoy these, then let us know. Like this video or um. Like this video or um comment on this episode? Can people do that? Like on, like apple?
Speaker 2:they can like on individual podcasts.
Speaker 1:Okay, cool, cool, do that. Yeah, um, yeah, and if you're, while you're here and enjoying this episode, you should leave a review, a nice, cool review, and then also subscribe on youtube. Yeah, um, but other than that, you will see us every monday. For mind your heart, mondays. Have a good day, bye.
