Mind Your Heart
Welcome to "Mind Your Heart," this cozy corner of the internet where Trina Deboree and Emily Reneé —your real-life Lorelei and Rory Gilmore duo—come together each week to chat about everything from mental health to the daily nuances of life. In each episode, we peel back the layers of topics like anxiety, depression, PTSD, and eating disorders with warmth, understanding, and a touch of humor (because otherwise, this just sounds depressing)!
Trina, an educator turned entrepreneur and mental health advocate, joins forces with her daughter Emily, a mental health coach and anorexia survivor, to share their journeys and insights in a way that feels like a heart-to-heart with old friends. The goal? To spark conversations that truly matter and to create a space where laughter meets healing.
Let's navigate the ups and downs of mental health together, making each day brighter and each challenge a little lighter. Grab your emotional support water bottle, put in your headphones, and join us while we mind our hearts for chats that comfort and inspire.
Mind Your Heart
MYH: 22 Navigating Family Feuds and Wedding Wardrobe Wonders
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Can setting boundaries truly make you the villain in your own home? Join us for a candid discussion on family dynamics as we unravel a scenario involving a woman whose brother's pregnant girlfriend has taken over her space. We navigate the tricky waters of asserting personal boundaries without being labeled the "bad guy," especially when it involves a pregnancy. Through lively debate and personal anecdotes, we weigh the importance of mental health amidst familial obligations and the fine line between generosity and self-preservation.
What does it mean to be caught in the crossfire of a family feud you didn’t start? We explore the emotional turmoil of a teenager grappling with a father who abandoned him and the complexities of forming relationships with half-siblings from his father's affair. The tension intensifies as attempts to connect lead to school conflicts and emotional distress. Our conversation delves into the lingering scars of parental abandonment and the significance of respecting personal boundaries, offering empathy and insights into the struggles of navigating fractured families.
Amidst wedding bells and unexpected attire choices, can traditions and personal relationships find common ground? We share the captivating tale of Mark and Sally's wedding, where the best man defies convention by being a woman in a standout dress. As we ponder the balance between sticking to wedding traditions and embracing unique friendships, the plot thickens with undercurrents of lingering emotions between Mark and Sally's sister, Jennifer. As we wrap up, we encourage listeners to share their thoughts and subscribe for more engaging stories that tackle the heart of human relationships.
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Hey, welcome to Mind your Heart Podcast, your favorite corner of the internet where we chat about all things mental health. I'm Emily.
Speaker 2:And I'm Trina. Together, we're like your real-life Lorelai and Rory Gilmore. Each week, we'll bring you real conversations about the world of mental health and we will peel back layers on topics like anxiety, depression and much more.
Speaker 1:We're here to chat with you about the tough stuff, the everyday stuff and everything in between. So grab your emotional support water bottle I know we have ours. Find your comfiest chair or keep your eyes on the road and let's get into it. Are you ready, mom?
Speaker 2:Absolutely. Join us as we mind our hearts and hopefully make minding yours a little easier All right.
Speaker 1:So welcome back, welcome back. We have a fun episode for you today. Everybody really enjoys when we do the Am I the Asshole segment, so it's going to be a regular thing here on Mind your Heart. So that's what we're doing today. So that's what we're doing today. Um, we're gonna go, yeah, back and forth and read some am I the asshole situations and determine whether they are or not based on our opinion and that means, it's true, based on our professional opinion and we will wonder is it a typical Tyler or yeah?
Speaker 1:yeah, all right, tyler um.
Speaker 2:I have one okay am I the? Asshole for not letting my brother's pregnant girlfriend use my bathroom yes yes, I agree.
Speaker 2:I say yes yeah, but let's see, let's read the. I'm gonna'm going to move my microphone because I have my computer not on the screen. All right, some backstory. So I, a 24 year old female, live in an area where it's impossible to find apartments, and when you do find them, the rent is over $1,500. I also have two big dogs and a cat, so renting is basically impossible for me. My parents have a house my childhood home in this area, but they currently live in another city about four hours away from work for work. So for those reasons, I live in my childhood home. My parents and I are besties and this whole arrangement works great for all of us. They need someone to watch over the house and I need somewhere to live. It's the perfect solution. They come visit me once a month, all right.
Speaker 2:My brother, 23, was working in another state on a contract, so his job paid for him to live in a hotel. When his contract ended, he didn't line another one up to find or find any other work to do. Also, despite making great money and not having to pay for housing, he didn't save any money from the slash job he had, oh boy. So he moved home with me. That would suck, and he brought his girlfriend, who's 22, and their dog. They were supposed to be here for a couple weeks max that's in quotation marks while he found another contract, most likely in a different state. They've been here for two months now.
Speaker 2:They got a cat who they're hiding from my parents. They don't have jobs, oh my gosh. They borrow money from my parents for everything. They sleep all day and leave the house trashed all the time, and a couple of weeks ago we found out that she's pregnant. Oh boy, mine and my brother's bedroom are right across from each other's and we used to share a bathroom. Oh man, when I found out they were coming here, I moved all my toiletries upstairs to the guest room bathroom so I wouldn't have to share with them. Well, no kidding, you don't need, like a Jack and Jill bathroom with your brother.
Speaker 1:Oh God.
Speaker 2:I know, yes, you do know. Yeah, she will usually text me. Wait a minute, where was, where was I?
Speaker 1:well, a few weeks ago, over toiletries, okay, okay, moved her toiletries to the upstairs guest bathroom. That's where you were so she okay.
Speaker 2:I always hated sharing a bathroom with him. My parents knew this and were okay with me taking over the guest room. Well, a few weeks ago, before knowing she was pregnant, they went out for her birthday with my parents and she got drunk enough that my mom had to put her in the guest room bathroom bathtub to clean up after puking on herself. Is this when she was pregnant?
Speaker 1:I mean, I guess it was. I guess it was before they knew, is what she said. So like she didn't know she was pregnant yet, oh, before she knew she was pregnant. Okay, you're right yeah, um so ever since she could have been pregnant yeah, so ever since she found out about the bathtub, oh my gosh.
Speaker 2:So ever since she found out about the bathtub in my bathroom, she is constantly asking to use it. Their bathroom only has a shower. She will usually text me when I'm at work to ask and I never know what to say because I don't want her to use it. But I feel like an asshole for not wanting to share. I know that's stupid and probably makes me sound so spoiled, but I just want my own bathroom all to myself. Is that too much to ask? They have to take over the entire house, including what used to be my bathroom. I just want this one space untouched by them. Most of the time when she asks and I don't respond, she will just use my bathroom anyway. I assume my brother tells her to, because it's not technically my bathroom anyways.
Speaker 2:Today I came home from work and rushed to my bathroom to pee and I found her asleep in the bathtub. She had texted me earlier, but I didn't respond. I didn't react other than telling my brother she was asleep so he could make sure she was okay. But would I be the asshole if I told them not to use this bathroom anymore? I talked to my parents about it and they are okay with me doing that. If she wasn't pregnant, I wouldn't even hesitate to tell them not to use it.
Speaker 2:My sister thinks I'm an asshole because she said her baths were a lifesaver in her first trimester. I agree with that and I don't hate my brother's girlfriend. I like her and I want to have a good relationship with her, but I also don't want to be sharing my bathroom and all my good products with her. Am I a horrible person for that? I would even give her some of my good products. I'm a hairstylist so I have lots. If that would help her enjoy her own bathroom more, hell, I would tear apart their bathroom, redo it and add the nicest tub available for her, if I could. I just want my bathroom to myself. Am I the asshole?
Speaker 2:Ps, I know the obvious solution here is to trade bathrooms with them. That's what I was going to say. Unfortunately, they won't work. That won't work because my mom doesn't want my brother destroying her guest room. Lol, he's a nuisance. Okay, well, that's dumb. So because that is the solution, like, just give them the guest bedroom. And if the mom doesn't want him trashing the bedroom, then the mom needs to tell him I don't want you trashing the bedroom and that doesn't even make sense. Give her the bathroom with the bathtub in it and you just take your bedroom back and your bathroom back. That seems like the logical response.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, I agree. Also. I'm like how about they just leave, like go find your own place? You were supposed to be there for a couple of weeks and you've been there for months now.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's ridiculous, and also this is what a person said, and I agree with them. Unfortunately, this is 100% of a problem that your parents have created and one they have to solve. It's true They've got two adult children, one with two big dogs and a cat and one with a girlfriend and a cat, living rent free in their home, causing wear and tear and squabbling about who gets which bathroom. Now we're going to add a baby to the mix, which they will also be paying for. It seems sad. I wouldn't bet on your brother getting a job or moving out anytime soon. Why should he? As long as mommy and daddy continue to enable him, he's going to continue to shrink responsibility and act like a child. Your parents are going to have to sell that house to get rid of him.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I agree with that for sure. I do too, that's what I thought from the jump. I was like well, the parents are enabling.
Speaker 2:They totally are Like who's in charge here? Yeah, so, who's in charge here? Yeah so. And like she has to ask her parents if she can go to the guest room, like that's, that sounds like another dumb thing. If you and jake were like staying here and I was living four hours away or whatever I, it would be up to you what bedroom you wanted to use. So I don't, I don't know, I don't. I think that, yeah, and also.
Speaker 2:I'm like then like pay some rent, like you I don't know like you want your own bathroom, buy, get your own apartment, that's. That's another thing, so do I do.
Speaker 1:We think she's the asshole I don't think she's an asshole, but I don't think that she's like like scot-free, like I feel like she's like they're all. All these people are the problem, in my opinion. I'm like no one is innocent here, like they all are messy and need to figure out their shit yeah, I agree.
Speaker 2:I think it's all right to want your own space I don't think that she's an asshole for that. I think she's either excuse me allowed to want her own space and not want someone who wants someone taking a bath in their bathtub.
Speaker 2:Like that's gross. I don't even want Jackson taking a bath in the bathtub. I, when he leaves, I have to wait for the house to be cleaned at least twice before I'll even think about putting myself in that bathtub. So there's no like. I would not want that either. So I understand that feeling but.
Speaker 1:But you can't want your own space in a space that's not yours. That's true, like that isn't your own space, like you knew what you were signing up for. You're sharing someone else's space well, she didn't know.
Speaker 2:Her brother was going to be there for that.
Speaker 1:But it's still not her space, like she's still staying in somebody else's house, like I mean, like jake's sister lives in their dad's house, and like he comes and goes as he wants. She never complains I mean she knows that she's living there. Um, I don't know if she's paying rent or not, but like, even if she is, like she knows that she's living in his house yeah, and that he gets to come and go.
Speaker 2:It's his house, so I'm like true, I mean when you got you and jake lived in my house as soon as jackson came home, it was like well, they just sped you up, up your, your plans that's for sure well, that's because jackson started closing our air vent, like the literal definition of gas lighting.
Speaker 1:He was. I don't know why it's hot. And then I woke up and my air vents closed.
Speaker 2:Oh gosh, all right, so your turn.
Speaker 1:Okay, am I the asshole for requesting that my teacher not partner me with my deadbeat father's daughter? Oh, um this sounds like this is like a step sibling that she doesn't want to be part.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's really, it's a half sibling if it's the father's child. So yeah, you're right, so it's a half sibling.
Speaker 1:She doesn't want to be partner with her um I don't think she's an asshole I think sometimes we don't want to be partnered with people yeah, I think so too, but also I'm like what's the like, what's this for? Is this like something short? Is this like a full-on project, like? Yeah okay, my father walked out on my mom when she was pregnant with me um, pregnant with me 16. Okay, my father walked out on my mom when she was pregnant with me.
Speaker 1:So he was 16, um, so I guess they were like super young. Um, they were married. They were married for like five years at that point. Okay, so they're definitely he was not 16. I don't know what the 16m means oh the person is 16 years old.
Speaker 1:Okay, this is a 16 year old dude oh, okay, okay so they were married for like five years at that point, but he was cheating a lot. My mom trying to divorce him went through hell because they picked up and moved. He never met me. He didn't show up at court for their divorce or for custody or for child support. He went to jail three times for failure to pay child support and for trying to avoid child support by quitting his jobs and not declaring his new place of employment.
Speaker 2:Jesus, oh gosh, this is awful.
Speaker 1:I still haven't even met him, but around a year ago he moved back with his family, the affair partner and their kids. He has a daughter five months younger than me, a son about a year and a half younger and some other kids who are younger again, but I don't know their ages. I only know that the older two ages because of school and sharing some classes with his daughter. She has tried to connect with me but I told her I wasn't interested, we're not family. I don't know, I don't want to know the affair family.
Speaker 1:Even though she was upset and cried a little in front of me, she didn't give up and when we returned to our classes in august she was suddenly in four of mine instead of one, like last year. So I went to our teacher, who assigns a lot of group stuff, and asked her to never pair her with me. Okay, I explained the reason why and she was surprised but agreed that it would be for the best to avoid hostility during the project and especially if others are working with us. Twice she has tried to claim me as a partner or make me a part of her group, the first time as her solo partner and the second time as a bigger group. Both times our teacher refused. Good for the teacher.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:This made her realize what I'd done, Told her parents. They went to the principal and demanded a meeting with me and my mom. My mom went but left me out of it Good, and explained why to the principal and told him she didn't think the first time I meet my father correct should be when he wants to berate me for not working with his daughter. They tried to say I was bullying their daughter and I should be facing suspension or be forced to make it up to her through some kind of buddy program.
Speaker 1:Oh my god, the principal didn't take it seriously. Good, but his daughter and son now stare at me a lot more in school the last couple of weeks since the meeting and a couple of her friends said I was such a dick for embarrassing her like that and not getting to know her. Am I the asshole? No, you're not the asshole. These people are crazy I have like mixed feelings really I'm like the the, the daughter is being so ridiculous like this.
Speaker 2:That's ridiculous like I just I, I, I I understand, like, I think she's, but like from her perspective she is wanting. Like he might not see them as family. He might think they're. You know they they're a part of what felt really hurtful. He got the dad did not choose him. That's, that's awful. It's a terrible feeling. I have felt that way myself. It's not a good feeling, um, but in a sense, like, whether they're they are family, like if the kid likes it, or not, like they're they're biologically related.
Speaker 1:They might not be like necessarily family that you're going to talk to or whatever, but they they do share, um, some of the same dna, so they um I would say they're not family, they're relatives, because I feel like the word family is strong to use for somebody that you don't know, that you did not grow up with, that you have no connection with on their side, or that you don't really talk to.
Speaker 2:They're blood related, all right, so they're relatives. It's not the girl's fault? No, no, it's not, but she is also. I mean, she's put pressure, she's pressuring him and she's he's pushed it too far um and then I think that's sad about him, yeah and that's sad as well.
Speaker 2:And the fact that they pushed it to this point, like with the principal and all that nonsense, and now they're accusing him of bullying, that's another ridiculous thing. All of that is wrong. I think that's all wrong. I think the dad is the worst of all. He's the asshole.
Speaker 2:Um, I don't think the kid is an asshole, but I also think I feel sorry for the biological sister, because she wants some kind of connection to her brother. So, and it's not, and the, the dad that she knows is not the dad that he knows. The dad that she knows, you know, as a loving, supporting father, the dad he knows is someone who abandoned his mother and him and left. So it's, it's a different scenario. I mean. I say this because, like this is true for me like I have half sisters and, um, I mean I have my brother, who's my mom, and my dad, but then I have two half sister, or one half sister from a different woman he married, and another one from another woman he married, and um, two more I mean, and so it's for to them, to the two, that where he stayed with the mom, and like they had a long marriage actually with the fourth wife.
Speaker 2:This is so complicated I feel like I'm reading something from Reddit myself. Anyway, they, you know, loved my dad. He's passed away now, but they loved him and they think of him as a good father. I don't, and they are desperate. When he was dying, they were desperate for me to understand and to see him as a good person. For whatever reason, they just felt desperate. I'm sorry I couldn't give them what they wanted. I offered him forgiveness, but I could not see it the way they see it, because that's not the way my childhood was.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's not your reality.
Speaker 2:It's not my reality and he, you know, he. I mean. What I remember vividly is him driving our stuff to my mom's, dumping it off in the driveway and driving away and not saying goodbye, and so that's what I remember. So they it's. It doesn't have anything to do with my, my mom, which they try to blame. It has nothing to do with anything but the fact that of the kind of father he was to me. So, um, but I don't, I'm not mad at them. I don't think of them as the other family, um, but also I was older. It's a little bit different, it's. It's a they didn't force, try to force the relationship on me. In fact, I probably wouldn't do a very good job if they tried to force a relationship on me, because I already have a hard enough time.
Speaker 1:Um that's the thing I have a problem with is that like? I understand like well. I don't act like I. I can sympathize with everything that you're saying I I obviously don't understand from like my own perspective, but I get that like I'm like I hear you. But the thing that I have a problem with from the like the daughter, is that she's like aggressively, like pushing his boundaries when he has like knock on out of his way to be mean he has literally went to the teacher before this was even like a problem and just said like I feel, like I would be uncomfortable yes, he was very proactive, you're right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I don't think he's an asshole. I I definitely don't think.
Speaker 1:I don't think he's an asshole. I don't think the girl's an asshole, but I do think she's not learning how to accept people's boundaries and that's like no when no, when someone says no, no means no yeah, like you can want and crave and desire to be close to your, like half brother, all you want.
Speaker 1:But if they don't want that you can't force that. And if they are blatantly saying like please no, and being kind to you in the process, but like just setting their own boundary, then, like you, you shouldn't go around talking shit about them when they have done nothing wrong they have and accusing them of being a bully.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, they've been nice he's been very respectful and like dealt with this in such a mature manner and now like the girl's going around, like making it more of a problem than it really needs to be. Like I get it, you can be sad, be upset, have your feelings about not having a relationship with him, but like yeah don't make it something that it's not. And then I'm like you are being kind of an asshole yeah, yeah, yeah, all right, ready.
Speaker 2:Um can't decide which one. I'm gonna read them both to you and you tell me which one. Um, oh, there's like three, but no, I won't go to that one all right, so just pick one, pick one okay, I want one that's like a little bit lighter. That's not, um, all right, am I the asshole for asking my husband's best man to wear a tuxedo?
Speaker 1:no, I don't think.
Speaker 2:So I mean like I don't either, I think yeah, I think you should be wearing a tuxedo, so it's not that expensive. I mean, come on so I agree that too yeah, no, yeah, for sure I don't. I'm not expecting him to buy one. That's expensive, all right. So let's see what they say. I am not the what's OOP. Oh, this is the conclusion. I don't want to read the conclusion yet. Oh, trigger warning, what? Okay, I don't know.
Speaker 1:Wait, no, now I need to know I'm not, I don't know what the OOPop is.
Speaker 2:Somebody else, what's oop mean oop? Has since deleted their account. I am the asshole for asking my husband's best man to wear a tuxedo. Okay, well, here's the original post. Um, this is a woman. She's 26. She's getting married to um mark, who's 28.
Speaker 1:Thank goodness she uses some names, because I know, know, can we call her Sally?
Speaker 2:She's going to have to give her name, okay, oh, maybe not. Okay, we can call her Sally. Okay, so Sally is married to Mark. He's 28. She's 26. He's a handsome, responsible, intelligent man with a kind heart and a great sense of humor.
Speaker 1:Aw, that's good, we love that for you his best man.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so Jennifer is going to be his best man, her sister.
Speaker 1:So, jennifer, okay, this changes things for me, yeah.
Speaker 2:Jennifer is best friends with my husband Mark. That's a little weird. Yeah, I just don't know how the dynamic works like that.
Speaker 1:It smells fishy to me?
Speaker 2:I agree. Okay, so Jennifer is best friends with my husband, mark. We already said he was 26. He's known her more than twice as long as he's known me. We only really met and talked at my link at any length about three years ago or so. They were co-workers together at her high school job and she's been in a part a part of his gaming group since then. All right, they went to the same college and their co-workers again, now working for his friend john, who's 42. His company, john's company, mark, was in college for the better part of a decade who's john?
Speaker 2:john is the owner of the company that jennifer the sister, and jennifer and mark work for john.
Speaker 2:For john, okay, yeah, okay. So mark was in college for the better part of a decade good grief, getting two undergraduate degrees and his phd whoa, why do you need two undergraduate degrees anyway? And jennifer ended up doing the same major as him, likely due to his encouragement. She's thinking about her master's in the same field, but they both work full-time now. In addition to being co-workers and playing dungeons and dragons together, they also game online and they hang out all the time. They've gone to conventions together, either as part of a group or just the two of them. They do local classes and events together, and mark helps jennifer with her photography and editing.
Speaker 1:You sound weirdly close to me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I know, I don't think that's a good idea.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Okay, so after we got engaged? Oh wait. While she has a solid full-time job, she likes, jennifer still has aspirations of being a model or influencer. She loves fashion and she's also into cosplay. What's's that?
Speaker 2:it's like when you like dress up, for it's basically like playing a certain character from like a story and like doing it's kind of like dungeons and dragons, but like you dress up okay, um, after we got engaged, we were at a family dinner and I was talking to mark about the wedding party and I mentioned that, even though I have two sisters, I wanted my own best friend, helen 26, to be my maid of honor. Totally understandable. I don't think you should have to have your brother or sister. Mark said that was great because he actually wanted to ask Jennifer to be his best man. Jennifer immediately and enthusiastically agreed being a female best man is just the kind of thing she'd love, obviously, even if that meant she wouldn't be one of my bridesmaids. She also knew that between our other sister and some of my friends, I had too many people who needed to be bridesmaids, and Mark was worried about being short on groomsmen. This was all fine and well until later on, when we were talking about what people were going to wear, I picked out my dream wedding dress, I coordinated the bridesmaids dresses and Mark was going to have his groom men, most of which were other gaming buddies and tuxedos. I had to talk to him. I had to talk him out of putting them in. Go explain rain, fair, red and fair stuff. Oh no, I don't know what that is. Jennifer was going to wear a dress. Jennifer is a very tall, very attractive woman and, to be perfectly frank, she has a large chest. The dress she wanted to wear was designed by one of her friends online and while it's not white or anything, it's mostly red and black and pretty well matches the other groomsmen and it's formal and fancy. It definitely shows off her figure I wouldn't say in a slutty way at all, but it just does. She would also, as best woman, stand out from the other men on the groom's side, especially in the heels she wanted to wear with the dress.
Speaker 2:After dropping a few hints here and there about and broaching the subject of each side of the wedding party matching and women's tuxedos, I gently requested that Mark have Jennifer wear a tuxedo rather than the dress and shoes she wanted and had previously liked. When they gave me pushback, I pointed out to Jennifer that she might be too exposed or she might distract people with such a flashy dress. Jennifer gave me a dirty look and said half under her breath are you fucking serious? And before I could react she just said again fine, fuck it, you're the bride, I'll wear the fucking tuxedo. Mark sighed and half half said some things about it being ridiculous. But then when I asked him what he said, he just said, okay, it's whatever, it's fine, that was crappy, that's red flag number three. So he like, even if he's siding with the sister yeah, I know, even if he thinks it's a dumb idea, like a kind-hearted great guy to me he has to have your back, especially in public.
Speaker 2:If he thinks it's ridiculous, he can tell you that privately. Since then, mark and jennifer haveaggressively making fun of my concerns. Okay, this is a problem With them doing things like Mark comedy oogling her chest, or her making her all sorts of boob jokes. She's done things like ostentatiously covering up her chest with her hands when she moves past people, while saying things like Gotta guard, the girls Wouldn't want to knock anyone over. This is ridiculous. Both her and mark keep making fake fraudrian slip fraudian slips about her chest or her figure, and jennifer even pretended to lose her balance and fall over because her boobs were too heavy. They pretty much do this when I'm around. They seem to think it's hilarious. They've made it very well known.
Speaker 2:This is so long. They've made it very well known. This is so long. They've made it very well known that Jennifer is really disappointed about not getting to wear the dress and that her seamstress friend is upset about it too. Who cares? This is the bride. This is for the bride, yeah, and Mark has seemed a bit distant and disinterested in wedding planning.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because he wants to marry your sister.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I was looking over some tuxedos for women and making some suggestions to Jennifer about ones that aren't too tight in the chest or hips and she just showed me the one that said she had already picked out and said is this fine, or did you want to further micromanage my specific tuxedo? I do agree with that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Well, she's like trying to like make her like hide her body, like you can't help if you have a bigger chest. Like stop making comments about that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I agree with that. I think that that's ridiculous. We started to get into a fight and she accused me of being a bridezilla. When I told her she was being a bad sister, she said that she wasn't the one who was being body shamed and told me what to wear. I told her and told what to wear. I told her my requests weren't body shaming and she said that they were the same thing. My parents completely took Jennifer's side and said that I should just let her wear the dress. Obviously, she showed it to them and they thought it was beautiful. They like her friend too, and her friend has done clothing and costumes with her before.
Speaker 1:Who cares about the friend?
Speaker 2:Yeah, like no one cares about the friend like no one cares about the friend. The friend doesn't matter and her opinions and thoughts are not relevant at the moment. Yeah, no, I fit. My father said that I should at least stop bothering her about the tuxedo if I'm going to make her wear one and then I should just let her go with the one she picked.
Speaker 2:I do agree with that. She's got to back off on that, um. The one she wants, though, is very is high visual impact and also very tailored. Of course it is because you don't want to stand there looking like a man in the tuxedo. She said that she could match it to the colors, but I feel like she'd still stand out.
Speaker 1:She's going to stand out. She's going to. She's a woman.
Speaker 2:Yeah, she's going to have to get over that. When I tried to get Mark to weigh in on this, he just said said it's your wedding, do whatever you want. I guess I'll tell her to do whatever you want. I know it's your wedding and he's it's not his too. And obviously I know and I obviously don't feel like he's very invested.
Speaker 2:I feel like yeah clearly he's not no, he's not, but he just doesn't want to argue. He always, he's always like that. Okay, well, that's a problem, that's he is not, doesn't want to communicate yeah, no, you have to sometimes engage in conflict.
Speaker 1:There's healthy ways to do it, but it has to happen yeah, for sure.
Speaker 2:Even though we both have good jobs, both jennifer and I still live at home with our parents. Oh boy, because housing is ridiculous and it's been awkward around each other. I've been staying over at mark's a lot over the last year and I was supposed to be officially moving in, but he's been kind of cool and passive about it recently. Ooh everyone.
Speaker 2:Yeah, everyone seems to be acting like I'm the asshole here, even though Mark and Jennifer are the ones being passive, aggressive and unreasonable. I almost feel like I should have just made Jennifer a bridesmaid right off the bat, or told Mark that it didn't make sense for him to have my have a female groomsman. Am I the asshole for wanting my husband's best man to just wear a normal tuxedo?
Speaker 1:Oh, so many thoughts on that yeah.
Speaker 2:Kind of yes to no, because you're being an asshole.
Speaker 1:Everybody here is an asshole.
Speaker 2:She's the she. You're asking a woman to wear a man's suit Like. You're not allowing her to make it a woman's suit. She doesn't. Just because she's the best man doesn't mean she has to be a man Like and they can actually call her the best person anyway, best woman, yeah, best person, best woman, so it doesn't so that that seems ridiculous. However, I do understand it's probably a lot more to it and it probably has to do with her feeling like the sister outshines her regularly and it sounds like she does she does yeah, with the with mark.
Speaker 2:So that's, that's the problem, but there is a follow-up.
Speaker 1:That's not good news it's, I don't know well, it's definitely like it seems like, because the bride is making it sound like she is, like has very idealistic, like conservative views on, like men and women, and their roles, but and like I have no idea if that's how she actually feels or not, um, but like that's how it's coming across and that she's like basically, like you need to hide your body so that, like I am standing out, but like that's no, like that's not cool, she is body shaming her. I mean like she is, to a degree, like basically saying like cover what you can't control up, because it's, in my way, like no, that's not cool, but also your husband and your sister are in love with each other. Sorry to break it to you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it does. It does seem like that they do everything together.
Speaker 1:They're literally best friends and they laugh and make jokes about you Like that's not, you don't want that.
Speaker 2:No, that's not OK. All right, so she updated it. This was just a few months ago. Actually, there's not going to be a wedding. This was just a few months ago. Actually, there's not going to be a wedding. John, of all people the boss remember Mark's boss and gaming buddy noticed my post as it got way, way more attention than I ever expected. We've only ever met a couple of times and hardly ever talked before, but he reached out to me with this is John, lol, call me. So I called him from the parking lot after work. John says he's been married for about 20 years and he's tried to give Mark relationship advice. He doesn't think we're a good match. He told whoa. He told me that.
Speaker 2:I should not work yeah, he told me that I should talk to Mark and that Mark has been unhappy with our relationship, oh, and extremely unhappy with the wedding plan planning even to the point clearly running gag amongst him and his friends.
Speaker 2:I got into a bit with john, I know because, to be fair to me, mark's ideas have been ridiculous. Just some of the things he said for in which john and jennifer and his buddies thought would be cool he wanted the wedding party to have custom swords and daggers and, oh my god, the amulets. He wanted them to have the sword during the ceremony and he thought people would like fantasy amulets.
Speaker 1:Mark sounds like a wedding for jennifer and mark, because clearly they're both into that. If she really enjoys cosplay, then they can do cosplay at their wedding. But that is not what sally wants, so he was right in a sense of being like this is your wedding, because they're doing nothing that he wants, which like as ridiculous and crazy as it may sound to some people, me included it it's not to him, like that's what he wants for his wedding and so like they're just having two different weddings. But keep going.
Speaker 2:Sorry oh it's, it's just way too long um oh well, I want to know the update.
Speaker 1:So they're just, this is the update.
Speaker 2:So I'm having a wedding and um mark is just stressed out. And he said the dress jennifer wanted to wear was just about the final straw because I told him he could pick the outfit for the groomsmen. Blah, blah, blah blah. He said it was upsetting and that it body shamed Jennifer. When I asked him why he proposed if I apparently gave him anxiety and he doesn't even want me to move in with him, he said he felt like it was. Oh, it was pressure to either propose or break up and he hoped things would get better. And then he didn't know if he, if he, had a good enough reason to break up.
Speaker 1:What so? Yeah, better. And that he didn't know if he, if he, had a good enough reason to break up. What so it goes, yeah, it goes on and on and on.
Speaker 2:Um man, she started this with like singing mark's praises and I don't like mark. Yeah, one of my commenters on my original post asked why I was marrying my sister's boyfriend, and my mom asked very nearly the same thing. She questioned how I had started dating mark just as about as soon as his, as soon as his age gap with jennifer stopped being awkward, and she implied I shouldn't have been dating him in the first place. That's not fair at all. It's not like he's her property and jennifer can clearly yeah, and then she just it's whatever, whatever so okay, I guess we're broken up for dating um that's what I don't know, are they?
Speaker 2:um, it doesn't say, but I'm guessing. Yes, I'm guessing. The answer is yes. I should have pre-read that. That was so long.
Speaker 1:I did not expect that to be so, but it was very interesting and interesting. So many layers to this yeah, that's crazy um yeah oh gosh. I'm sad for Sally but at the same time like really glad she did not get married to him, and then find all of this out yeah so like good for John, like having a private conversation with her and giving her the information. So that she could make an educated decision for herself.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:That's a hard place to be for John.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's true.
Speaker 1:And also I mean like she doesn't even realize because she's so fixated on these small details like the bigger picture, the bigger, the reason she's fixated on the small details is because she's so like trying to compartmentalize the fact that her then fiance is in love with her sister.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:She's like trying to cover it up with like things that she's annoyed about that. Really, she's not annoyed about it. She's annoyed that he's not the one yeah, poor jennifer, hopefully she finds love for sally I mean sally, poor sally.
Speaker 2:I hope sally finds love somewhere else, not jennifer.
Speaker 1:Yeah, jennifer can never found love in Mark. Yeah, jennifer's good to go. Yeah, okay, do you want me to do the last one? Yeah, okay, okay, let's see Hmm.
Speaker 2:Hmm, so many different layers, so many different things. Are you ready?
Speaker 1:yeah, okay. So um, am I the asshole for refusing to feed my sister's kids for free every day?
Speaker 2:no, no.
Speaker 1:Okay, yeah, I also think no. My older sister, who's 37, has three kids under 10. Oh jeez, I, 25-year-old male, don't have kids yet, but I'm a junior sous chef and I cook a lot in my spare time. During some recent time off from work, my sister asked if I could babysit her kids after school for three days. I said yes, I watched the kids, she paid me for it and I thought that would be it. But then she asked me what the kids ate with me after the week had ended, and then she wanted to know how I got her kids to eat a full meal.
Speaker 1:Her kids are picky eaters. They are typically the kids who will eat what they take off a plate meat and potatoes, rice or noodles and then leave the rest veggies and sauces. According to my sister and brother-in-law, even if you give more veggies than something else, they won't eat them and they'll wait until their next meal. And if you give all veggies or insist they eat the veggies before anything else, they'll skip the meal. I sort of knew that about them before I babysat, so I blended veggies and other good stuff into their dinner, the first day with me, and the second day I served them.
Speaker 1:Served them, but I did. I did them but hid them in plain sight and on the last day I just served them in a way. They don't get them normally and because they knew they had them, they ate them without an issue, but they wouldn't eat them for my sister or brother-in-law. After there was some back and forth between us and I shared some recipes but my sister said she couldn't get them to eat the food, so she wanted me to make food for her kids every day.
Speaker 2:Oh gosh, that's ridiculous.
Speaker 1:I asked if she was going to pay me for spending all that time and money, and she told me I should do it as a way to help my nieces and nephews stay healthy. Oh gosh, I told her it's a big ask. She told me I have the chance to really help and put my skills to good use for her family.
Speaker 1:I feel like it's that is a ridiculous ask yeah, I feel like it's asking a lot because they expect me to make something every day for the kids, but my sister feels like I'm being a bad brother and uncle. Am I the asshole?
Speaker 2:no, no no, she's being ridiculous. That is absolutely ridiculous. She doesn't want to do it herself, and then she wants her brother, and then she's not even going to pay for the groceries. Like no, even if you don't value his time and think that he should be paid for his time, you're not even paying for the ingredients. He's just going to provide free food for your kids. Like that's ridiculous. No, that's ridiculous.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I would never expect that of my brother. That is so stupid. No, kidding no he's not the asshole. She is, I agree, and also it's her. She's got to figure out how to get her own kids to eat.
Speaker 1:No, kidding, what is he going to do? Prepare food for them for the rest of their lives? Like they're under 10 years old, they've got a long way to go to be living in. There's three of them, three kids under 10.
Speaker 2:That's a lot You're outnumbered.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, figure it out, sister. Also, like, if he he's like, here's the method that I used.
Speaker 2:You so like. If he he's like, here's the method that I used.
Speaker 1:You can take this and use it, and if she can't figure it out that they're not his kids, they are just his nieces and nephews, and that's. The bonus of having nieces and nephews is that you don't have to do the hard parts most of the time.
Speaker 1:You get to show them for fun, and sometimes you will spend some meals and then you don't have to do that anymore. Yeah, Good grief. Yeah, no, this person is definitely not the asshole. I'm like wondering what. Okay? Op has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole I refuse to cook for my sister's kids for free every day. I do cook for a living and I know the kids would eat better if I agreed. And I'm not a struggling chef exactly. So it's not that I would be really struggling if I did, but it's a lot to ask for someone to do seven days a week without getting anything. But still I could do it without suffering, which is why I think I could be the asshole.
Speaker 2:Oh no, just because it wouldn't put you into a suffering mode doesn't mean that you um, that you should be, that you should have to do that. That's just. That's just too much of a like. She's pushing beyond an appropriate boundary.
Speaker 1:So that's, that's outrageous yeah, somebody said not the asshole. Does your sister know how much food costs?
Speaker 1:oh no, kidding, that's another good point yeah, if she wants to buy the food and bring it over and provide the disposable to-go boxes, then I think you should do it. I cook for people all the time for free, but they pay for the food and if you enjoy it it gives you experience. But only if she pays for the food and costs associated with it. And the OP said she wanted me to accept the cost even though she'd already be saving money by buying less. So she's willing to pay you to watch them but won't pay you to feed them. The math ain't mathin', not the asshole.
Speaker 2:I agree, that's crazy.
Speaker 1:That's crazy right well, all right, that was another adventure yep yep, see you next week yeah, yeah, I guess we'll see you next week. If you like, if you enjoy watching, subscribe on youtube. If you enjoy listening um, I think you can subscribe on like or maybe follow like on spotify, apple music, apple podcast. Whatever you're listening on um, and if you have any questions for us or have any, if you want to know if you're the asshole yeah comment below and we'll tell you yep all right, we will see you next week. Bye.
