Mind Your Heart
Welcome to "Mind Your Heart," this cozy corner of the internet where Trina Deboree and Emily Reneé —your real-life Lorelei and Rory Gilmore duo—come together each week to chat about everything from mental health to the daily nuances of life. In each episode, we peel back the layers of topics like anxiety, depression, PTSD, and eating disorders with warmth, understanding, and a touch of humor (because otherwise, this just sounds depressing)!
Trina, an educator turned entrepreneur and mental health advocate, joins forces with her daughter Emily, a mental health coach and anorexia survivor, to share their journeys and insights in a way that feels like a heart-to-heart with old friends. The goal? To spark conversations that truly matter and to create a space where laughter meets healing.
Let's navigate the ups and downs of mental health together, making each day brighter and each challenge a little lighter. Grab your emotional support water bottle, put in your headphones, and join us while we mind our hearts for chats that comfort and inspire.
Mind Your Heart
MYH 33: When Reddit Speaks: Navigating Awkward Family Dynamics
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What happens when family boundaries get blurred and relationships hit unexpected roadblocks? In this episode of Mind Your Heart, Emily and Trina dive into the wildly popular "Am I The Asshole" subreddit to analyze complex family dynamics that leave people questioning themselves.
The duo tackles four fascinating scenarios with their trademark mother-daughter candor. They explore a woman's reluctance to move in with her boyfriend because his 12-year-old daughter clearly doesn't like her—a situation that triggers deeper discussions about blending families, children's emotional needs after divorce, and the importance of not rushing relationships when kids are involved. Both hosts validate the woman's decision to trust her instincts rather than forcing a potentially harmful living situation.
Their analysis continues with other equally compelling scenarios: questioning whether it's appropriate to verify with a parent before giving an 11-year-old coffee (absolutely yes!), navigating boundaries when family members visit your home while you're away, and perhaps most provocatively, a husband expecting his wife to clean up his vomit while she's already caring for their toddlers. This last scenario sparks particularly passionate reactions as they discuss entitlement in relationships and the notorious tendency for some men to become "such babies" when sick.
Throughout their thoughtful commentary, Emily and Trina blend psychological insights with practical wisdom, helping listeners recognize healthy boundaries and problematic relationship patterns. Their perspectives offer valuable frameworks for evaluating similar situations in your own life, whether you're dealing with blended family challenges, in-law boundaries, or partnership expectations.
Ready to gain clarity on those messy relationship situations that leave you wondering if you're overreacting? Listen now and join the conversation about where reasonable boundaries begin and end.
Trina's First Published Book- Hilarious Would You Rather This or That Writing for Kids
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Hey, welcome to Mind your Heart Podcast, your favorite corner of the internet where we chat about all things mental health. I'm Emily.
Speaker 2:And I'm Trina. Together, we're like your real-life Lorelai and Rory Gilmore. Each week, we'll bring you real conversations about the world of mental health and we will peel back layers on topics like anxiety, depression and much more.
Speaker 1:We're here to chat with you about the tough stuff, the everyday stuff and everything in between. So grab your emotional support water bottle I know we have ours. Find your comfiest chair or keep your eyes on the road and let's get into it. Are you ready, mom?
Speaker 2:Absolutely. Join us as we mind our hearts and hopefully make minding yours a little easier.
Speaker 1:Welcome back. Welcome back to Mind your Heart.
Speaker 2:Yes, welcome to Mind your Heart. I'm Trina Devery.
Speaker 1:I'm Emily Dreylis.
Speaker 2:And we are a mom and daughter who never introduce ourselves because we just never think about people finding us on episode 30. I feel like we do.
Speaker 1:We just haven't these past couple. Normally I will say like I'm Emily and then you'll say I'm Trina, but the last two episodes we did not introduce ourselves. Yeah, but we also have an intro.
Speaker 2:That's true. I always forget that. Yeah, all right, so today we are going back to an oldie, but a goodie, like people seem to enjoy.
Speaker 1:Am I the asshole?
Speaker 2:Yeah, am I the asshole Reddit responses. So you want to go first? Sure.
Speaker 1:Okay. So this first one says am I the asshole for refusing to move in with my boyfriend because his daughter doesn't like me? My first response is no, you are not what do you think I would probably say no too, like. I mean like if you're not feeling comfortable enough to move in with someone, I don't think you should yeah.
Speaker 2:I agree, and if the child doesn't like you, that's a problem yeah, that's a non-negotiable yeah, okay.
Speaker 1:So I, 27 female, have been with my boyfriend, who's 32, for a little over two years. He's amazing in so many ways kind, kind, supportive, and we've seriously talked about marriage and building a future together. He has two kids from his previous relationship, a nine-year-old son and a 12-year-old daughter. His son and I actually get along really well. He's sweet and playful and seems happy to have me around, but his daughter not so much. She is never outright disrespectful, but it's been clear from day one that she doesn't like me. She avoids me during visits, refuses to engage in the conversation, giving one-word answers, and will flat out leave the room if I sit down to watch a movie or join a family activity.
Speaker 1:I've tried to be patient because I understand that I'm the new person and that kids can struggle with these situations, especially when it comes to loyalty to their mom. I've really done my best. I've never forced her to bond with me. I always give her space and I've tried inviting her to do things like go out for ice cream shopping or little crafts, all of which she's declined or just sat through awkwardly. I even backed off when her dad suggested family trips because I didn't want to push and make things worse.
Speaker 1:Now here's the issue. My boyfriend recently asked me to move in with him and the kids. He framed it as a natural next step in our relationship and said it would help blend the family. But I said no. I told him gently, but honestly I don't feel comfortable moving in a home where one of the kids clearly doesn't want me there.
Speaker 1:I said I think it would only create more tension and resentment, especially if his daughter feels like I'm suddenly invading her space full-time. He did not take that well and told me I'm letting a child dictate our future and that if I truly loved him I would be willing to make this work and not run away at the first challenge. He said his daughter just needs more time and that living together would help her get used to me faster. Even some of my friends are saying I might be overthinking this, that kids always warm up eventually and that I'm being too cautious. But in my gut I feel like moving in now, when things are already strained, would just make everything worse, not better. I don't want to end up being resented in my own home I have a lot to say to this okay okay.
Speaker 2:First of all, um, I do not think she's overreacting. I think she's following her instincts, and her instincts are not to make this move. Um, I also think that there's two things, or several things. First of all, the child is 12. So 12-year-olds are a pain in the asses. Also, this is a girl who probably does feel like some loyalty towards their mother, and if they love or like this girl, this woman, then they're somehow betraying their mom. So I do think that happens and it's a totally understandable feeling for kids. It's very confusing.
Speaker 2:The other thing that I think is that the things that she's asked the child to do, it sounds like she's doing some good things, but the thing she's asked the child to do, does the child like those things or are those just things that they picked? Because the thing is, is you want to get comfortable with the child's interests what, what interests her and and ask to do things around that? Um, so that's one thing. And then the other thing is is that? I don't? I can see why if, if he were proposing, if they were getting married, that might be different, because in that case there would be more of a willingness to work it out, because it's permanent and in the child's mind it's like I don't know if I can trust you to stick around. That's not the woman's fault.
Speaker 2:That's because of the dad decisions yeah and how you sometimes feel as a child of divorce. You're not sure you can count on that person to hang in there with you when it gets hard. Yeah, um, and they've already seen that they give up when, like you know, and even if it's, it was a great divorce, even if it was meant to be a divorce, it still feels like I don't know if I can trust you in relationships. So I think that those feelings need to be taken into consideration and I think the dad is minimizing the daughter, which is a problem, and that's not going to get better by just ignoring her feelings. I don't think she gets to tell them how their relationship progresses. I do agree with that, but I don't think that just acting like she's just going to get over it is not the answer. And if she had a more permanent reason to be moving in, then that might seem like okay, this is our next step, and also the daughter can be included and part of the process for that to happen. So that's what I think.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I would agree. I feel like there's like a lot of different like levels to this. Like I don't think that really anyone's the asshole I would say say. Like I would just say that this is just like one of those things where there's like a lot of it's just nuanced, like it's not, it's not just one thing or the other, like there's just a lot of gray.
Speaker 1:Um, I definitely was thinking when I was reading about like the activities and stuff. I'm like what is the daughter like to do? Like, have you like put yourself into like her activities instead of trying to get her to go into activities with you? Like because, like she's already like being placed in a situation where she's having to go into other people's situations, whereas, like you need to kind of meet her where she's at um. So, like I think that's one thing um, I do like I wonder, but I also I'm like we don't know anything about, like this kid we don't know anything about. Um, like the boyfriend, like there are other like. I'm like were her parents ever together? Like, maybe, like I don't even know if they were previously married, it's just from a previous relationship.
Speaker 1:So maybe the kids like oh, okay yeah, I'm like not having really anyone stick around like there. I just feel like there's a lot of things here and yeah, because is the mom they did.
Speaker 2:She did say something about like feeling, whatever about the mom, but like is there like a time sharing situation and could she, in most places there are? So could she, you know, spend the night, be there a lot when the kids aren't there, like focusing on their relationship and then, um, easing in when the kids are there?
Speaker 1:yeah so, and I don't think this person's doing anything necessarily like wrong. I think it's like a. It's definitely a situation where you just kind of have to like figure it out over time, so um, and I think that when you're not ready to move in with someone like don't like, you don't need to like rush that, like clearly there's also it's not like there's a rush for the nep kids, like he's got two kids, so like what's the point in rushing into moving in if, like, both parties are not comfortable with that?
Speaker 2:yeah, I agree, sorry, not the asshole um, yep, not the asshole, all right. Um, so this is another one that has to do with a child. Now I'm just reading just the headline first right, and then give going into the all right. So am I the asshole for not taking an 11 year old's word for it? For not?
Speaker 1:taking an 11-year-old's word for it. Absolutely not.
Speaker 2:No yeah, 11-year-olds lie, and so, yeah, no, you're not the asshole for that. I mean, they might not be liars, they could be like honest, wonderful child, but I don't think you have to completely take their word for it.
Speaker 1:I feel like I need context, Because I'm like are you just deciding to not believe them because it helps you out, or like what's the deal here?
Speaker 2:Okay, so my 20, my 20 dad made some friends when he studied abroad. Is this person 20? I think, um, one of them is a visit in our country right now. One of them is is a visit in our country right now. One of them is on a visit in our country right now. He made some friends Let me start this again my dad I don't know what the 20 is, maybe it's the person. My dad made some friends when he studied abroad. One of them is on a visit in our country right now and he brought 11, or his daughter, who's 11 with him.
Speaker 2:He said, if I asked her to our national museum, since it's good for kids to practice some art appreciation, I said sure. She wasn't very enthusiastic about it, though when we were waiting for the opening time, she pointed at a nearby cafe and asked if I could buy her a cup of coffee, saying it's the least I could do before making her spend two hours looking at some boring stuff. I hesitated and she said her dad lets her drink latte. So I called him just to check. He said yes, before asking did you think my daughter is a liar? Well, that's a little extreme, I mean. And then he's like and then I didn't know what to say. It didn't occur to me that there was. That was what I was insinuating when I was expressing my doubt. I, just wanted to be sure, ended up buying her oat milk latte her preference before taking her on a tour. Don't know if I was too anxious, but when I took her back to the hotel her dad seemed kind of frosty towards me.
Speaker 1:That's stupid. No, not the asshole. You should ask the parent, when it's an 11 year old, about coffee first of all, who's letting their 11 year old drink coffee. I have a problem with that, yeah, I would have been like no, and also like why are you talking to me?
Speaker 1:like it's the least you can do, like damn, yeah, I mean, this child sounds a little bit like a brat and the person visiting sounds a little bit like a jerk. Uh, yeah, yeah. So, um, screw the 11 year old and screw the visitor. And yeah, how about you buy yourself and buy?
Speaker 2:your own latte. Yep, I'm just gonna take you right on back to our dad and they can deal with you and see you later. So, yeah, because this person is a 20-year-old, they don't want to spend time with an 11-year-old that acts like a jerk. Yeah.
Speaker 1:No kidding, and also like to me. I'm like do you think my daughter is a liar? I don't know your daughter. You're a visitor from a different country.
Speaker 2:You're a stranger to me. Yeah, yeah, I don't.
Speaker 1:Sorry, I haven't gotten to know their patterns of whether they tell the truth or not in the span of 24 hours. That's so stupid. That is stupid. I would be like it just sounds dumb, like to ask somebody that.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, not the asshole. Yep, maybe a little dumb for taking a random person to the museum and expecting it to go really well but, yeah, okay, all right, your turn.
Speaker 1:Am I the asshole for not allowing visitors in my home while I'm not around? No, no, no, yeah, no, okay. My husband and I recently moved our family to a new home, literally three days ago. Boxes everywhere, nothing in order. During the transition, I needed some time to myself to clean the old place. My mom offered to babysit my baby at her new home while I was away. No issues with that.
Speaker 1:However, halfway through the day I called to check on my baby and mom and hear other children screaming in the background, confused, my mother tells me my brother-in-law, niece and nephew came over to see me but then discovered I wasn't home. So, instead of leaving, they let themselves in for the rest of the day, several hours, without anyone that actually lives at the home present. When I communicated that my husband and I were not okay with my mom letting other people into the house while we're not home for a number of reasons, she got very defensive and said well, they just walked in themselves. What am I supposed to do? Kick them out. Dot, dot, dot. Yes, in all caps. Anyway, we communicated the boundary with both brother-in-law and mom. But man, is this such a crazy thing to not want a bunch of people in your home when you're not around okay, I mean it is a little petty.
Speaker 2:It is family member, it's not random strangers off the street that she just let into your house and the mom is like, the grandma is still there, yeah. Yeah, exactly, the grandma is there. It's not like they're in there unsupervised.
Speaker 1:They're there with the grandma. Yeah, the grandma. Who's is this not the grandma's children also? Yeah, like, so it's probably the grandma to her baby and the grandma to the kids. So who?
Speaker 2:cares. I mean, I understand that you don't really feel like you want people in the house when you haven't put it together yet. It's only been three days. I might be a little bit stressed out about that, but that's probably petty. But it might make me stressed out about that, but that's probably petty. But I I might make make me stressed out. But my own, my brother or my sister-in-law or my brother-in-law, or well, I don't have a brother-in-law anymore. But in the past I mean maybe I would have been like could you have asked?
Speaker 1:but um, I definitely wouldn't sounds like this, sounds like people that like often come visit.
Speaker 1:Because oh, that's true, because- they showed up like they just showed up and expected you to be there, like they. It's not like they came with the intention of being like he, he, like they're not like. Like they came to come see you and then you just weren't there and so. But then the mom, the grandma, was there and they were like all right, well, we'll just hang out until they get home. Yeah, like that doesn't seem like that big of a deal to me because in my mind at least, with the context that we have, these people visit with them often. Yeah, so it would be different if they were like my brother-in-law and sister-in-law flew in all of a sudden and decided to stay. Like then I'd be like all right, that's a little too, I agree.
Speaker 2:So you're right, it's probably someone that just stops, stopped by and yeah, I don't and also it's not doing anything to her. She's not even there. So unless she thinks they're making up some kind of a mess or something, now I think she's being a little ridiculous. But she did just have a baby, so she might not be thinking completely rationally.
Speaker 1:Um people are saying that they're not the asshole not the asshole, especially since there were kids involved and who knows what they'll get into.
Speaker 1:Oh please these are your family members these are your nephew yeah, I think I'd be less bothered, but still bothered, if it was just adults that stayed to say hi to your mom for a bit, since she was already there. But I don't want a bunch of kids running around my new place like that when I'm not there, and I'd still be annoyed about adults staying to visit. Okay, so that's certainly an opinion.
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, I disagree with them. I think she's being.
Speaker 1:A lot of people are saying, like, not the asshole. Like why do people think this is okay, Not the asshole? This was unacceptable as hell this is their freaking family.
Speaker 1:This is your family members yeah, mom is there with the baby and you don't allow her to have visitors family. I'm not sure I understand that part. Does your brother-in-law know you don't want drop-ins and if they stopped in to see you but your mom was there, I'm not sure I understand why you'd care if they visited with her and the baby. Not calling you the asshole, just sort of curious. Curious what your reasons why your mom can watch your baby but not have family there yeah, I agree with that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I agree with that person, yeah all right, well, yeah, but the rest of the comments are like they're siding with her, like being like. This is crazy that these people came over.
Speaker 2:Maybe they missed that it was family members. I feel like it was pretty clear People often don't read to comprehend I mean, that's the whole point of reading, but it feels like they don't sometimes, so I'm pretty sure that people just skip right over details and they don't even see them. Um, that, that's what I'm gonna say. That's why so many people are that way. All right, ready for another one. Yeah, am I the asshole for making my sick husband clean up his moment?
Speaker 2:um like yes or no yeah like I, I, oh, I don't know I mean cleaning up vomit is not fun and it is very gross and it makes me feel like gagging sickness and health.
Speaker 1:So I, what I mean I for this person they said in sickness and in health yeah, you're right, but it's gross.
Speaker 2:I mean like, oh, I'm with you, I wouldn't want I didn't even clean up your vomit like your dad cleaned up the vomit.
Speaker 1:I took care of the emotional part and he took care of the sheets and the cleaning yeah, I feel like I'm like I don't think this person is an asshole, but I also, I don't know this it's not very nice. Yeah, it's not necessarily like the most helpful when they're saying it's kind of.
Speaker 2:It's kind of. It is kind of jerky. I don't know about an asshole, but all right, so this is throw away. Why does it say throw away? I have?
Speaker 2:no idea I don't know either. So my husband has been dealing with a stomach bug of some kind the last few days, vomiting diarrhea, nausea, etc. I've been taking care of him and the house and the kids by myself. Because it was uh, because of it, which I hate when people do misspelling, because I'm not a grammarly first people. Yeah, because of it, which is a lot of work with two and under and two with two under five. Oh gosh, yeah, that's understandable.
Speaker 2:This morning my husband wanted to try eating something so I made him toast as requested, as he was on the couch nibbling on his breakfast. I was making our toddlers their breakfast and feeding them when I hear him violently gagging in the other room. He's been. This is like Jackson. He's been hanging out in the living room during this entire illness. So he had a trash can there in case he had to puke or whatever. I called out to him to remember to use it or go to the bathroom if he thought he was going to vomit. He didn't listen and threw up all over the floor and got some on the couch. What an idiot. What an idiot, I agree. I mean, come on. Husband then comes into where I'm feeding our kids and says he's gonna go to our room so I can clean up his puke. Yeah, no oh no she's.
Speaker 2:I said absolutely not. There was no, was really no reason for him to vomit all over the floors. I had been cleaning it up all weekend already, without complaining when he was getting sick by surprise.
Speaker 1:But he has plenty of time yeah, I don't understand that either, like when people are like oh, I threw up, I'm like you feel it coming, you do, you definitely do If you have like a spontaneous throw up situation like that's a little bit different. But you don't go, okay. Peasant wife clean up my vomit while you take care of our two children.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So she said okay. So husband is now all mad at me for not showing him a good bedside manner. You're not a nurse. I know she's not the nurse, so am I the asshole Update? Oh, she hasn't. There's an update, okay. So never expected so many comments. Feel very validated. I have to see what they are. All day my husband kept making snide comments at me about not being a good wife and anyone who cares about their loved one wouldn't punish them when they're sick. This guy is an idiot. So I showed him your comments and it finally shut him up. I've received many DMs and there's been a lot of comments about hubby possibly getting me and our children sick. Don't worry, the rest of us are okay. Husband likely got food poisoning from eating food that had been sitting in his work break room for nearly 24 hours.
Speaker 2:So this guy's just a moron, yeah, someone said you had to remind him to vomit in the bin or bathroom yeah, literally when they're sick are the worst, they are the such babies, oh my gosh, such babies. I swear I'm dying, I know.
Speaker 1:I remember when Jackson used to be sick and he'd be like, oh, yes, and. I'm like you're giving me a headache. My illness from you being sick is worse.
Speaker 2:He is definitely the all-time worst Worse than his dad. He is so bad and he gags and throws up so violently and loud yeah, yeah, no, she said not usually, but I could see him from the dining room just sitting there, gagging, bent over, not reaching for his trash can, so I could see what was going to happen oh my gosh.
Speaker 1:So he was like preemptively, like gagging, he hadn't, he wasn't even actively throwing up, and then he just decided to vomit on the couch, on the floor. Yeah, I would be like clean up your own, your own vomit, idiot oh, this person was like they.
Speaker 2:They always help their husband with their mess and their sickness. Um, aside from bodily waste, I'd pretty much instantly be helping to clean it up. To be honest, I'd probably help him even with his puke, but not if he acted entitled like that. Nope, nuh-uh, not today. Yes, oh, my gosh. And then this other person was like F, that If he can raise his hands to his mouth to eat toast, he can use those same hands to reach for a bucket to puke up in. Yes, no, kidding, all right. So she is not the asshole.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:All right.
Speaker 1:All right, you want to do one more, or you want to be done, we can do.
Speaker 2:What do you want? I don't have any more pulled up. Oh, you don't? Oh, okay, then we're done. Okay, all right, because that was my last one, right? Yep, I did too. Yeah, yeah, um, we did yeah oh, you went for sure, right.
Speaker 1:Okay, all right, we're done well, everybody was not the asshole I know I feel like that doesn't happen very often.
Speaker 2:No, it really doesn't most of the time that people are an asshole, just a little bit. If you have to ask, sometimes you are, but but not in this case. So all these people felt guilty.
Speaker 1:They didn't really reason yeah, all right, all right, well, congratulations all of you, not assholes oh well, we'll see you in two weeks all right, have a great week. Bye.
