Mind Your Heart
Welcome to "Mind Your Heart," this cozy corner of the internet where Trina Deboree and Emily Reneé —your real-life Lorelei and Rory Gilmore duo—come together each week to chat about everything from mental health to the daily nuances of life. In each episode, we peel back the layers of topics like anxiety, depression, PTSD, and eating disorders with warmth, understanding, and a touch of humor (because otherwise, this just sounds depressing)!
Trina, an educator turned entrepreneur and mental health advocate, joins forces with her daughter Emily, a mental health coach and anorexia survivor, to share their journeys and insights in a way that feels like a heart-to-heart with old friends. The goal? To spark conversations that truly matter and to create a space where laughter meets healing.
Let's navigate the ups and downs of mental health together, making each day brighter and each challenge a little lighter. Grab your emotional support water bottle, put in your headphones, and join us while we mind our hearts for chats that comfort and inspire.
Mind Your Heart
MYH 39: Bathing Suits, Businesses, and Other People's BS
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What happens when family members critique your clothing choices or lifestyle? When is it appropriate to step back from unreasonable demands? Today, we're tackling these questions through our popular "Am I The Asshole" segment, examining four scenarios that strike at the heart of personal boundaries and autonomy.
First, we explore an 18-year-old's dilemma when her aunt criticizes her bathing suit choice at a family camping trip. The generational divide becomes apparent as we unpack how older family members sometimes project shame onto younger women's bodies. We offer practical advice for addressing these uncomfortable situations without compromising your self-expression.
Next, we examine a fascinating case where financially independent adult children become targets of jealousy from family members whose kids haven't developed the same work ethic. The contrast between a 21-year-old who's been working since age 15 versus cousins who've "never worked a day in their lives" sparks an important conversation about how success can trigger others' insecurities.
The third scenario involves morning showers, overnight shifts, and household dynamics – seemingly small conflicts that reveal larger issues about whose comfort takes priority. When a girlfriend stops visiting after being told her 8:30am shower disturbs others, who's really being unreasonable?
Finally, we tackle the thorny issue of unpaid labor in relationships. When does helping your partner's business cross from supportive to exploitative? We break down why paperwork and site visits aren't just "helping out" – they're work that deserves compensation.
Throughout these discussions, we notice a pattern: people who question whether they're being unreasonable are often the ones with the healthiest boundaries. As Trina points out, "Someone who is an actual asshole is not asking if they're an asshole."
Join us for these thought-provoking conversations that will help you recognize when standing your ground isn't just acceptable – it's necessary for your wellbeing. Subscribe to Mind Your Heart Podcast for more candid discussions about mental health and navigating life's complicated moments.
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Hey, welcome to Mind your Heart Podcast, your favorite corner of the internet where we chat about all things mental health. I'm Emily.
Speaker 2:And I'm Trina. Together, we're like your real-life Lorelai and Rory Gilmore. Each week, we'll bring you real conversations about the world of mental health and we will peel back layers on topics like anxiety, depression and much more.
Speaker 1:We're here to chat with you about the tough stuff, the everyday stuff and everything in between. So grab your emotional support water bottle I know we have ours. Find your comfiest chair or keep your eyes on the road and let's get into it. Are you ready, mom?
Speaker 2:Absolutely. Join us as we mind our hearts and hopefully make minding yours a little easier. Hi, welcome back. Hi, welcome back.
Speaker 1:Today we're going to do an Am I the Asshole segment, which is just our favorites to do. I'm going to just jump right in, okay, all right to do. Um, I'm gonna just jump right in, okay, all right. So the first one is am I the asshole for wearing a bathing suit? I knew my aunt would be uncomfortable seeing me in.
Speaker 2:no, yeah, I agree, like that's the aunt's problem.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So no.
Speaker 1:Okay, I, 18, female, go on an annual camping trip with my dad's side of the family. We go up, barbecue, gather sticks, swim on the lake you know the usual stuff. But recently I've been dreading to go on the trips because my 50-year-old female aunt always has a problem with what I wear. This already irritates me a little. Context she's an amazing aunt when it comes to me my brother but I feel like she always over, is always overly harsh on me. Maybe it's because I'm the last girl in the family who knows, but every single time I go anywhere, she says you shouldn't be wearing that or it's too inappropriate, you're too young to be wearing stuff like that. Mind you, most things I wear are crop tops and she's having a problem with it. It always makes me feel insecure about it, and it got to a point where I was overthinking what I should wear. I guess I overshared. But here's the thing I'm asking am I the asshole?
Speaker 1:I have a bathing suit that I haven't worn for a year. I bought it with my money last year, just never wore it because of what my family would say. But I decided to wear it because I really wanted to wear it before it doesn't fit me, so we were getting ready to go to the lake. I changed, put some shorts on, but since it was hot, I just let my bathing suit top on. She just wore her bathing suit yeah.
Speaker 1:I went to get something from her area of the tent. Immediately she asks me what am I wearing? I said calmly that this is my bathing suit. She says to go back and put a shirt on and to learn to respect myself. It made me feel very insecure that she thinks I'm not respecting myself. She never said anything again, but she avoided me the rest of the trip. Now I'm wondering if I'm the asshole for wearing something I knew she would be uncomfortable in with. I'm just sick of always thinking about what to wear and how others will react. So am I the asshole?
Speaker 2:no, no, she is not the asshole. If she, she should be able to wear what she feels comfortable wearing. I think the issue is the um massive generational gap and um because that, that old aunt is around my age and so I'm like we were kind of made to feel ashamed of our bodies and that's not a good, healthy thing. However, in the 90s, crop tops were a thing. In fact, I myself got willed a shirt to cover my midriff in high school because I wore them so frequently. And you know, oh well, and what I have to say to those people, they were just jealous because I had a very flat stomach I don't anymore, but I did and they could just whatever. If you feel good like you should be able to wear what you feel good in.
Speaker 1:Yeah. Yeah, a lot of these people are like you're 18, too young for a crop top. That's like prime crop top age, not the asshole. Wear what you want and tell your aunt to mind her business, not the asshole. Next time, ask her loudly to please stop commenting on your body, as it makes you uncomfortable. Yes, I agree with that, one for sure.
Speaker 2:Yeah, what is her problem with?
Speaker 1:it. Yeah, and somebody said it appears that she's the one who doesn't respect you. Politely, let her know she's welcome to her opinion, but you're not a child and she's not in charge of what you wear.
Speaker 2:And also like we kind of need to look at ourselves anyway as society.
Speaker 1:Like. Why are? We judging people based on, also not appropriate. Why are you, as an aunt, looking at your niece in a way that's like, oh, that's not appropriate for showing like her stomach or wearing a bathing suit, like with family? A little bit strange to me that you think that that your mind is going there.
Speaker 2:Well, I didn't think of it like that, but I think it's just. Yeah, they're. They're coming from two different, totally different places. But I wonder, like if the aunt herself like what she did when she was 18 years old.
Speaker 1:She's probably insecure.
Speaker 2:She could have been insecure or she could have done that, and then she just now thinks it's shameful. Who knows yeah.
Speaker 1:Regardless, this person is not the asshole, yeah.
Speaker 2:I agree, not the asshole. Yeah, all right, I'll go, your turn Not the asshole yeah. All right, I'll go your turn. Well, I just found another one that I didn't see before. Um, so since it's kind of in that same vein, I'm gonna go with this one okay unless it's your second one, um, let's see. Read it out loud all right am I the asshole for letting my daughter flaunt her expensive items?
Speaker 1:um, no for letting her like I mean, how old's your daughter? Like, because to me I'm like letting like is she an adult? Because if she's an adult, then she's just making the decision you know she's 21, the daughter's 21, oh, yeah, then no, you're not letting her do anything. She's making an active choice.
Speaker 2:Yeah, okay, so the person I is 50. She's a 50-year-old female and my husband, who's a 48 male, have a daughter, danica, who's 21, who has been extremely independent her whole life. Danica began working when she was 15, and now she works part-time for a large corporation while pursuing her studies. We are extremely proud of her and how hard she has worked. We generally allow her to manage her own finances and she insists on contributing monthly to family expenses with the money she earns. Danica occasionally likes to make pricier purchases, which I did not have any concern over, as I think they are sensible financial choices, like last year she decided to purchase the newest MacBook, as her old laptop was on its last leg and she wanted something reliable and long-lasting, or when she bought a Mark Jacobs' bag for work and university. Yeah, I mean, she's earning the money, so yeah.
Speaker 1:Also letting her Again with the whole. She's 21. Yeah, like you think it's a good choice. It doesn't matter if you think it's a good choice or not. She's an adult.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so would you. How would you not let her? She is an adult. Do not let her. She is an adult. So I doubtfully don't think there's more to it, though she said we recently went on a family trip with my brother and his family, who have two kids of their own, Tammy, 20, female, and Nick, 23, male. His kids and Danica aren't exactly close, but they get along fine for the most part. I know that Tammy and Nick do not have any source of income because my brother and and my brother and have not. I hate when people do this my brother and have not worked a day in their life. What, yeah, so the? So Tammy and Nick, I guess, are the kids.
Speaker 1:The nieces and the nephew. Yeah.
Speaker 2:And they have not worked a day in their life is what I think she's trying to say, but she left out some words. Anyway, during the trip, danica would occasionally pay for the three of them, for small things like drinks or food. Well, that was nice, yeah. When we were shopping, danica bought a few items for herself and picked up gifts she wanted to bring back to her friends and picked up gifts she wanted to bring back to her friends. During dinner that night, my sister-in-law, her brother's wife, told my husband and me that we were spoiling Danica too much with her purchases.
Speaker 1:How are you spoiling them? She's an adult making money on her own?
Speaker 2:Yeah, and she's been working since she was 15. We explained that Danica earned her own money and every cent came from her job, sister-in-law, and first of all, why? Well, who cares what you think?
Speaker 1:sister-in-law yeah.
Speaker 2:Sister-in-law then proceeded to point and tell Danica that, if that was the case, point Proceeded to point and tell Danica that if that was the case, she shouldn't be flaunting her purchases and items in front of her cousins who don't have a cushy little office job Get one then, yeah and parents who spoiled her into the person she is. I think that's ridiculous. Danica apologized politely, saying that she didn't mean to flaunt her things, but I could tell that she was upset and embarrassed. My husband stood up and shot back, saying that Danica shouldn't have to apologize for her own hard work. I also pointed out that Danica has been financially independent since she was 15 and that we've always done our best not to spoil her. She doesn't have to explain herself. Sister-in-law then proceeded to tell me that we weren't teaching her how to manage her finances correctly and that all this money had turned her into a little brat. First of all, she is managing her money.
Speaker 2:She's paying towards the family expenses, which is more than she needs to do to begin with yeah and well, you know, maybe or maybe not, but tammy and nick don't do anything, still worried about her own kids and also it's none of this aunt's business, like I don't understand where she her opinion, matters in this.
Speaker 2:I think that's rude. Danica excused herself to the bathroom and texted that she had gone back to the hotel. We had a tense back and forth for the rest of the dinner and we came back to finding Danica crying in her hotel room. I called my brother hoping that he is able to talk to his wife. But he explained that for the past few days Tammy had been crying to her parents about not having what Danica had.
Speaker 2:She had been whining to her mom, oh my god, I was going to say I knew they were Australian or British or something, because she was spelling one of the words with an S and not a Z. She had been whining to her mom that she wanted the newest macbook as well, but she refused to get it for her that's not, she's 20, what 23?
Speaker 2:yeah, okay, figure it out, dude myself, danica and my husband have been getting called from the rest of the family, some calling us assholes and some who were willing to hear us out and understand where we're coming from. So am I the asshole?
Speaker 1:no no yeah no, this sister-in-law aunt person is, yeah, very insecure and jealous and it looks really ugly on them yeah, and also okay, this is what someone said.
Speaker 2:So two grown adults complained to their parents about what a third grown adult has bought with her own money. Do they not realize how pathetic that sounds? Yeah, not the asshole. Your daughter has done nothing wrong. Yeah, and uh. And someone else said it's obvious whose kids are being spoiled, and it's not Danica. Yeah.
Speaker 1:No kidding, it's literally the opposite.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I agree.
Speaker 1:That's wild yeah that's even a situation that exists, is like stupid to me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I agree. So we say nope, you are not. So that's two for nothing.
Speaker 1:All right, your turn okay, am I the asshole for another one letting my girlfriend stop coming over in the mornings after my mom's friend complained about her showering? The title was confusing. I read the first sentence and it made no sense. Okay, say the title one more time. Am I the asshole for letting my girlfriend stop coming over in the mornings after my mom's friend complained about her showering?
Speaker 2:So he's not letting, he's making, he's making his girlfriend not come over.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:And take a shower at his house, correct?
Speaker 1:I would say you sound a little bit like an asshole.
Speaker 2:I would say so too, because you're not letting her. You're, yeah, just the wording itself makes me be like you, seem like you might be the asshole, little bit like an asshole. I would say so too, because you're not letting her.
Speaker 1:You're um.
Speaker 2:Yeah, just the wording itself makes me be like you seem like you might be the asshole. Yeah, I think. If he's asking her not to take a shower for whatever dumb reason, yeah I do. Because if he doesn't want her to take a shower because she's using up water of his or his family's or whatever, that's one thing. It's stupider than that. Okay, that that would be one thing, but to do it based on some random friend of whatever, no, yes, yes, I think you are the asshole. All right, go ahead, my girlfriend works 12-hour overnight shifts.
Speaker 1:Oh wow, 7 pm to 7 am. After work she sometimes comes to my place to shower and sleep. She usually arrives around 8.15, takes a quick shower by 8.30, then crashes for the day. Here's where the issue comes in. My mom's long-term friend who rents the basement, complained that the sound of the shower at 8.30 am woke him up. My mom passed that complaint along to me and asked if my girlfriend could avoid showering until everyone is awake. I told my girlfriend and she felt uncomfortable continuing to come over. Understandably, in my opinion. After working all night, the last thing she wants is to feel like she's disturbing people just by taking a basic shower before bed. So she decided not to come over in the mornings anymore. She didn't cause drama or make a scene, just quietly adjusted.
Speaker 1:I later told my mom what my girlfriend decided and she got upset, not because of the shower, but because my girlfriend chose to stop coming over in the mornings. My mom insists that wasn't her intention, but from our perspective, asking someone not to shower after a night shift pretty clearly sends the message that their presence is disruptive. Yeah, for context, I also pay rent in this house. My mom's friend has lived here for years and pays rent too. We all share the space. It's not like my girlfriend was being loud or unreasonable, just taking a five to ten minute shower in the morning, which seems pretty standard. Now my mom's upset with me, but I feel like I handled it fairly. I passed the message along, my girlfriend made a calm and mature decision and now somehow I'm caught in the middle. Am I the asshole for not pushing back harder on the complaint or for letting my girlfriend decide to stop coming over in the mornings? Okay, I get the wording, the wording now. The wording makes more sense now that I'm doing this.
Speaker 2:He's not letting her yeah.
Speaker 1:I actually don't.
Speaker 2:I don't think he's the asshole. I think the mom is the one that should have. She sounds a little manipulative. Yeah, I think she sounds because she doesn't get to dictate how the girl, what she does and doesn't do, when she gets there or not. I think she should tell the renter friend in the basement to get some earplugs or get a sound machine and get over it Also.
Speaker 1:it's 5 to 10 minutes.
Speaker 2:It's 8.30 in the morning. We're not talking about 6 or 5. Yeah, it's not an unreasonable time, no, so I think that's dumb.
Speaker 1:And also, if you're like, okay, like you want to sleep later than that, fine, but it's five to ten minutes. Go back to sleep.
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, some people can't go back to sleep, but either way, that's not her problem. It's not, and also I would not have passed that along.
Speaker 1:No, I wouldn't have either.
Speaker 2:Because I would be like no, he lives here too, and that's part of him living here, and she's here at whatever time and she's taking a shower, and can she not flush the toilet as well? I know Like what that's ridiculous.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think that's so stupid Because also I'm like to me. I think that's so stupid because also I'm like it to me. I'm like you can hear her probably walking around, or you can hear other things. So are people just not allowed to exist around you? If that's the case, then you probably shouldn't be renting a basement then, brother.
Speaker 2:Yeah, go and also usually can't hear in a basement. I don't think I think they're being dumb, like I think. I think I think it's dumb and I don't think the mom should have said anything. So if anyone's the asshole, I think it's the mom, and then on top of it the girl does what she wants and she's mad about it, like yeah, that's ridiculous, literally.
Speaker 1:Um, someone said 8 am is not early to be showering. Most people have to be at work by 8 am or 8 30 is not early to be showering. Most people have to be at work by 8 and would be showering. Most people have to be at work by 8 am or 8 30 is not early to be showering. Most people have to be at work by 8 and would be showering at 6 or 7. Your mom should have shut down the complaint and not brought it to you if she didn't want your girlfriend to act on it. Weird, but you are not the asshole yeah, I agree yeah I agree too.
Speaker 1:It is a completely appropriate time to be taking a shower. Also, how loud are the showers? Yeah, even in the basement should not be dictating when people take a shower. When it's completely reasonable of an hour, yeah I agree.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's not three o'clock in the morning.
Speaker 1:No, even so, yeah, you live there. You're allowed to take a shower.
Speaker 2:I don't know how they would hear that in the basement. But okay, um, all right, so here's my last one. Okay, whoops, okay. Am I the asshole for refusing to regularly help out at my boyfriend's business in person? No, I don't think so either. I don't think you should have to help out at my boyfriend's business in person. No, I don't think so either. I don't think you should have to help out for free. I don't think you have to work for friends or family for nothing. I agree, I think that's ridiculous. Yeah, let's see.
Speaker 2:My boyfriend is very business driven. That's good. He franchised a burger shop a year ago and recently opened a second branch. I wasn't super involved in the first one because business stuff just isn't my thing. I tried helping with his Facebook page, but he was very particular and would get upset if I didn't do things his way, which led to arguments. So I stepped back and just supported him by listening, giving input and helping online when needed. Now he's asking me to be physically present more often to help. I don't know how far that is.
Speaker 1:I don't either. Wait, let me ask how far is 30 kilometers and miles? 30 kilometers and miles?
Speaker 2:the answer is 18.64 miles. That's not that bad, yeah, all right.
Speaker 1:So like 20, 30 minutes away, um, and I don't have more than that, because tampa is like 10 miles away, so it's about an hour, an hour and a half. No way, yes, way you think, yeah, here I'll look up um no, let's just keep going.
Speaker 2:Um, anyway, this girl doesn't have a car, so she's yeah, she's got to get to 18 miles away with the out of car would be an expensive uber. Yeah, I also have a full-time job, so commuting that far regularly is really hard for me. He used to pick me up sometimes, but with how busy he is now he can't anymore. I want to support him and I'm okay helping sometimes, but I feel like he's asking too much. Am I being unreasonable? No, no, not at all. And then she said no, we both have full-time jobs. How he manages it, how he he manages all, I don't know and I'm honestly amazed by him. Edit not working, not exactly working at his two branches, but helping him manage it, doing paperwork, stocking up that's working I know, at those branches, going with him when he does site visits etc that's called personal assistant.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that is working in a job that should be paid yeah, that I agree.
Speaker 2:Not the asshole. You are his partner and not his worker. How would he like it if you asked to be paid? Yeah, he is asking for too much. It's his business and he decided to open a new branch. He can do the work himself or hire someone to. Yes, you're in your full time. Why is this falling to you?
Speaker 1:yeah, yeah. And also if you, if he was like opening this branch and was like I'm gonna need your help with this, that should have been a discussion between the two of them. Yeah, not just you must do these things for me, master, like that's not how it works.
Speaker 2:No, I'm gonna. I'm gonna need some help. Or are you willing, or something, or, if she, offered help.
Speaker 1:Like I don't even ever ask Jake for help, sometimes he'll offer help to me and I'll be like, no, I can't, I don't know how to, and we're getting married yeah, well, and I and even when you were helping me during the pandemic, I paid you, yeah.
Speaker 2:I was like you're like no, I, I can do it for free. And I'm like, no, you're working, yeah, so, um, and this person says not the asshole, if he doesn't explicitly employ you as in pay you for the help you provide is his business, then you don't owe him any time, especially not if it's going to impact your actual job Out. There are major issues like being unable to get to the location because you don't have a car. Sounds like your boyfriend is totally exploiting you for free labor. Paperwork is still work. Site visits is work. Either he pays you for it like proper, officially, not under the table, or you don't get involved in his business.
Speaker 1:Correct, I agree, I agree, all right, all right, so no one was the asshole this time around. Did you do two as well, I?
Speaker 2:did. I don't know why. All this confuses me. All right, once again, this has been like a common thing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, this confuses me. All right, once again, this has been like a common thing. Yeah, well, so I was thinking about. This is like when people are actively trying to check and see if they are being an asshole. I feel like right off the bat, it gives you some credit because, like, you're a little bit aware of like a situation, whereas, like normally, someone who is an actual asshole is not asking if they're an asshole that's true, that is true.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that is true.
Speaker 1:I mean, we have had some assholes, though we definitely have, but like it's not as common as it is to not have an ass. Yeah that's true and the people who are assholes are normally kind of dumb yeah and they, they come on kind of dumb, yeah, and they come on kind of thinking that they're not, but then everybody else is like no, you're kind of stupid and you're mean.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:My two most despised qualities Mean and stupid.
Speaker 2:Oh gosh, all right, well, until next time.
Speaker 1:We will see you in a couple weeks. Bye, bye.
